Understanding Narcissists
Narcissists are not just people with a clinical diagnosis. For the purpose of this piece, we’re talking about anyone who is consciously manipulative and lacks empathy. Some are diagnosable. Many are not. All are dangerous in their impact.
Empaths and narcissists often share the same root wound—early developmental trauma—but they respond to that wound in opposite ways. One internalizes. One externalizes. One bends over backward to care for others. The other will hurt anyone to feel powerful.
We are two sides of the same fracture.
Trauma Polarities: Empath vs Narcissist
Both empaths and narcissists come from neglect, but the neglect looked different.
Empaths had too much judgment and consequence → guilt, helplessness, people-pleasing.
Narcissists had too little → entitlement, selfishness, disconnection from reality.
Spoiling a child is a form of neglect. Neglect is a form of abuse. And these extremes result in emotional immaturity masked as adult behavior—spoiled children in trench coats.
Cluster B: A Spectrum of Empathy Disorders
Cluster B personality disorders—narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, histrionic—are all characterized by a lack of empathy. The closer you get, the worse they treat you.
Some are:
Explosive and tyrannical
Passive-aggressive and bratty
Victim-martyrs who weaponize pity
Aloof and mysterious, drawing you in with hot-and-cold unpredictability
They’re shape-shifters. They switch strategies until they get what they want. They’re all emotionally stunted—stuck at different ages of childhood—and many treat their own bodies like puppets. Detached. Dead-eyed. Lost.
The Mask of Self-Awareness
They often appear self-aware. They may even articulate their trauma. But they don’t feel it. Their ego won’t let them acknowledge their valid past pain, so they act out the victim role in distorted ways—manipulation, denial, domination.
They may go to therapy. They may talk about growth. But often, they use therapy as a new stage for their performance. A narcissist in therapy is sometimes just a more dangerous narcissist—one with better lines.
The Addictive Cycle: Hope as Bait
Empaths fall into the trap because narcissists use hope as a weapon. They mirror our desires. In the beginning, it feels like they see us, love us, complete us. Then the withdrawal begins.
We mistake the early high for love, when it was just manipulation. We chase the version of them that was never real. We think: If I love them hard enough, they’ll change.
But hope is the hook. And they know exactly how to reel you in.
Narcissists Don’t Change Because of Your Pain
Narcissists don’t change because you’re suffering. They change—if ever—because they suffer. As long as you supply attention, love, or reaction, they won’t feel the cost of their behavior.
Even their cruelty has a logic:
They withhold what you want to make you chase it.
They destroy beautiful moments because they feel undeserving.
They manipulate because it works.
They are all ego, and they know how to play yours.
Empath’s Journey: From Target to Alchemist
We are drawn to narcissists not because we’re naive, but because we are magnetically pulled to heal our own fractures. We repress our selfishness. They repress their empathy. The attraction is primal, unconscious.
But the real lesson is this:
The things you love about the narcissist are the things you’re afraid to become.
Their boldness. Their freedom. Their refusal to care what others think. Their ability to ask for what they want.
This is your shadow. And to reclaim your power, you don’t become a narcissist—you integrate your own abandoned fire.
Leaving as Sacred Act
To leave a narcissist is to honor yourself. And paradoxically, it may be the first real consequence they’ve ever received.
If you can’t leave for yourself, leave as an act of love for them. Because consequences are the only thing that has a chance of saving them.
Don’t wait for change. Don’t wait for them to see your worth.
Their love is not for you. It’s for what you do for them.
Final Reflection: What Did You Love About Them?
Here’s your practice:
List the traits you admired in the narcissist.
Ask yourself: How can I become more of that—without losing my empathy?
The traits you fell for were never theirs to begin with. They were yours, waiting to come home.
Reclaim Your Power
You are not too sensitive. You are not naive. You are not to blame.
You are learning.
You are healing.
You are waking up.
The lesson is not to tolerate more pain. The lesson is to stop calling pain love.
You don’t need to heal them.
You need to honor yourself enough to stop bleeding for people who don’t even bring bandages.
