Why Forgiveness Doesn’t Work for INFJs and Empaths
There’s a quote I love about forgiveness:
“The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.”
The people who hurt you? Chances are they’ve already forgotten. Meanwhile, you’re still carrying the impact in your body, your mind, your life.
Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood and misused concepts in personal growth. It’s often presented as a virtue, a choice, or something you “should” do to be a good person.
Let’s be clear:
Forgiveness is not a virtue contest. It’s not about denying what happened. And it’s not about them.
Forgiveness Is Not a Choice—It’s a Process
It’s not helpful to tell someone to forgive a person who devastated their life—especially when that person has shown no remorse. That doesn’t build character; it builds rage.
Forgiveness is not a simple decision. It’s an unfolding. A process. A selfish act—in the healthiest way possible.
And no, it doesn’t mean keeping toxic people in your life. It doesn’t mean denying the damage. It doesn’t mean bypassing your anger.
The Lie of the Apology
We think if we just got a proper apology, we’d finally feel peace. But that’s a trap. Even a heartfelt “I’m sorry” cannot heal you. Apologies don’t undo trauma.
And let’s be honest—most apologies are just self-preservation:
“I said sorry, can we drop it now?”
“I didn’t mean to—why are you still upset?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way…”
Apologies without change are manipulation.
Accountability can’t be forced. And waiting for either only leaks your energy.
What Forgiveness Actually Means
Forgiveness is not:
Releasing someone from accountability
Protecting them from consequences
Letting their lesson go unlearned
Letting them back into your life
Forgiveness means letting the universe handle what they owe.
It means choosing to stop carrying their mistakes so you can carry your own joy instead.
It’s not about justice. It’s about liberation.
Forgiveness Begins With You
The most important person to forgive is yourself. Especially if you caught “fleas”—when someone treats you so badly that you start reacting in ways you’re not proud of.
It’s normal. It’s human.
You can stop shaming yourself for how you coped in chaos.
Self-forgiveness is the only kind of forgiveness you can truly control.
And often, it’s the one we neglect the most.
Let the Devastation Belong to Them
You don’t have to carry the pain for them anymore.
You don’t have to keep the hurt alive in order to honor what happened.
You don’t need to forgive the unforgivable.
But you can want to want to.
And sometimes, that’s enough to begin.
The goal is freedom—not fairness.
Your Homework: Reclaim Your Center
Make a list of whose opinions you actually care about. Ask yourself:
Do they pay you?
Do they know and understand you?
Do you know and respect them?
Have they created a life you admire?
Are they good, decent humans?
If someone has caused you deep harm, hasn’t earned your trust, or you barely know them—they don’t belong on that list. De-center their voice.
Focus on the people who have earned a say in your life.
And give yourself permission to stop performing for the ones who haven’t.
Final Thought
Forgiveness isn’t about being a “good person.”
It’s about not letting your past write your future.
It’s about taking the power back from people who never should’ve had it.
You’re not weak for being angry.
You’re not broken for struggling to let go.
You are human.
And you deserve peace—even if they never say sorry.
