The Truth About Soulmates for INFJs and Empaths
The Soulmate Trap: Love, Limerence, and the Truth About Finding "The One"
INFJs, empaths, and deep feelers are often on a quest for deep, soulmate-level love. We have an idealistic vision of love—one where everything just falls into place, where the right person finds us at the perfect time, and where we experience a profound, destined connection.
But what if that very mindset is keeping us stuck? What if the "soulmates" we keep finding are actually just reflections of our past wounds?
Let’s break down the truth about soulmates, limerence, and why emotional consistency is far more important than chemistry.
Why Soulmates Feel Like an Adrenaline Rush
We don’t have enough words for love. There are too many kinds to lump them all under the same name. There’s platonic love, familial love, self-love, and the all-consuming love we seek in a romantic partner.
When we long for a soulmate, we’re often looking for a once-in-a-lifetime, cosmic connection—something bigger than ourselves. We hear stories of people who meet in magical ways, like the couple who discovered they were in each other’s childhood photos before ever meeting. We wonder, Why doesn’t that happen to me?
But here’s the thing: not everyone is meant to have a soulmate in the way we romanticize it. Soulmates aren’t always meant to stay.
Every relationship—whether monogamous, non-monogamous, or a situationship—has unspoken contracts. We enter them accepting who the other person is, consciously or not. And no matter how much we try to change someone, who they are at the start of the relationship is who they will remain—unless they want to change for themselves.
The Truth About Soul Contracts and Karmic Partners
Not every love story is meant to be forever. Some people enter our lives not to complete us, but to challenge us.
This is where the concept of karmic partners or "twin flames" comes in. These are the people who feel like soulmates but end up teaching us painful lessons instead. They shake us, trigger us, and force us to grow.
So were they soulmates? In a way, yes. But not in the way we expected.
If a soulmate is someone who feels like a soulmate, then we’ve all had many. The real issue isn’t finding them—it’s keeping them. And often, we mistake unhealthy attraction for fate.
Why Toxic People Feel Like Soulmates
The reason we get stuck on toxic people is simple: they mirror us.
They reflect back our best traits, the qualities we love in ourselves.
They also mirror the shadowy parts of us we’ve repressed.
They trigger our wounds and activate old survival responses.
When we encounter someone who feels profoundly familiar, it’s often because they are triggering the same wounds we experienced in childhood. That intense pull is not love—it’s unhealed trauma calling us home.
The irony? Everything we admire in them is already within us.
That bold, magnetic energy that made you fall for them? That’s a part of you. That deep compassion you feel when trying to "fix" them? That’s your own capacity for love.
Instead of chasing someone who awakens those qualities in you, reclaim them for yourself.
Love Is a Choice, Not a Feeling
We often treat love like a magical force that sweeps us away. The truth?
💡 Love is not an emotion. It is a decision.
That dizzying feeling you get when you first fall for someone? That’s not love—that’s cortisol and adrenaline. It’s your nervous system responding to the unpredictability of the connection.
The couples who last the longest aren’t the ones who are hopelessly "in love" 24/7. They’re the ones who choose to stay—through boredom, stagnation, and difficulty.
A real partner is not perfect, but they are:
✔️ Emotionally consistent
✔️ Transparent and honest
✔️ Accountable and self-aware
✔️ Willing to stay and work through challenges
Instead of searching for someone who "completes" you, look for someone who makes your life easier, not harder.
The Limerence Trap: When Love Becomes Obsession
Limerence is one-sided, obsessive love. It’s when you get fixated on someone—building an entire relationship in your mind based on tiny "signs" they might like you back.
If you’ve ever:
Overanalyzed every text or interaction, looking for hidden meaning
Fantasized about a relationship before it even begins
Felt an overwhelming pull toward someone who barely reciprocates
…you’ve experienced limerence.
Limerence is not love—it’s a symptom of emotional neglect. It happens when we place someone on a pedestal and chase their approval, rather than seeking a mutual, balanced connection.
💡 Narcissists thrive on limerence. A healthy person will shut down a one-sided obsession, but a narcissist will milk it for as long as possible.
To break free from limerence, you have to learn to reparent yourself. Give yourself the love, validation, and attention you’re seeking externally.
How to Find Healthy Love as an INFJ or Empath
If you’re an INFJ, empath, or deep feeler, you’ve probably struggled with relationships. But the problem isn’t that you’re "too much"—it’s that you’ve been chasing the wrong kind of love.
What you actually need is:
✔️ A partner who values emotional consistency over intensity
✔️ Someone who prioritizes trust, not just chemistry
✔️ A relationship that makes your life smoother, not more chaotic
✔️ A connection built on mutual respect, not chasing or proving your worth
The biggest shift you can make is letting go of the idea of a perfect partner. Soulmates are not found—they are created over time through mutual effort, emotional safety, and deep understanding.
Final Thoughts: Your Homework
If you want to break free from the soulmate trap, here’s a challenge:
👉 Write down where you want to be challenged.
Many of us unconsciously pick relationships that challenge us in painful ways. But what if your biggest challenges came from your career, personal growth, or creative pursuits instead?
👉 Shift your focus from adrenaline to peace.
Instead of seeking a "spark," ask: Does this person make me feel safe? Do they bring stability to my life?
👉 Recognize that love is a choice.
The right relationship won’t rescue you. It will support you in rescuing yourself.
Love Doesn’t Have to Feel Like a Rollercoaster
Love doesn’t have to feel like an adrenaline rush, an emotional puzzle, or a test of endurance—especially for INFJs, empaths, and deep feelers. If you’ve spent your relationships chasing intensity, mistaking chemistry for compatibility, or waiting for someone to meet you halfway, it’s not because you’re asking for too much—it’s because you’ve been choosing connections that thrive on inconsistency instead of security.
Real love isn’t about endless longing, proving your worth, or holding onto potential. It’s about mutual commitment, emotional stability, and choosing a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and truly understood.
✨ Ready to break free from toxic cycles and attract a love that actually supports you? Let’s rewrite the script, set better boundaries, and create space for the deep, lasting connection you deserve.
Book a Coaching Session today and start aligning with the love you were meant for.
